Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
