I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
