I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
