Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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