I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
