I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
