if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
