Hey man sorry I got all grabby
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
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Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
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Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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