considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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