someone threw a dead crab at me
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
