If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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