i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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