I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
