Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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