A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
