and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
