I showed him my bush... on skype.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
