I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's official drugs can't kill me
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
