I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
