3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Randomize
