my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
