I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i need some magic done to my vagina
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
