I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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