I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
