Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize