I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
is wine microwaveable?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
