it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
