i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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