Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
