I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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