when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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