Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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