sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
