before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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