Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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