at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
