I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
