Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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