Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
