If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
