hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
