I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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