i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
