dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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