just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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