I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
