i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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