he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
