I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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