he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
