I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
