i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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