Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize