you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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