i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
