The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
