I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
