god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
