But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
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I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
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i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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