does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
