She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
